I'm so tired

19 oct 2008

I am tired of finding excuses for my friends. I have discovered that I am the one with the problem. There is something wrong with me. What else can I believe? They don’t like my company.

Let me explain.I haven’t seen my fren in a very long time and he keeps asking me to see him one day. It’s not that I’ve been extremely busy; there has always been something else to do. So I kept refusing him. Until last week when I said I would meet him. We settled to meet one day and he was supposed to call me and tell me exactly where. At about 3 PM that day I sent him a message asking for directions but he didn’t answer, so I didn’t call him. So we didn’t meet. I thought it would be normal for him to call me, since that was what we had decided. He didn’t call me to explain why he didn’t give me any sign and I am really upset about that. And I am not going to call him because he is the one who kept insisting on seeing me. Maybe I am wrong. I think that he just forgot. Forgot about me! I am getting used to that. After that he called me again, but i rejected him.

A friend of mine and I decided to go to an art gallery on Saturday. She was supposed to call in the morning meet me. At 12AM I got a message telling me that she was at a party at a beach resort. Ok. I was really glad for her since she had been depressed lately. But what about me?!? What about the things she was supposed to do on Saturday morning before going to the art gallery with me?!? You know, I am kinda tired of people always finding something better to do than spending time with me. I am starting to believe that I am good only when there is nobody better around, nothing better to do………… it is a really bad feeling but they don’t seem to understand it. Ok, it was a party in a nice place, I got that, good company, music, dancing, but why do I always get left behind?!? Am I only good when they need something, when there isn’t anything better to do? I am staring to believe that. I am staring to believe that there isn’t much about me anyway. Actually I think I should care about me more, as much as they care about themselves, and maybe then I would be happier…..or maybe I am – again - finding excuses for them. Or maybe they should treat me like I – at least – try to treat them. Isn’t it strange that every time they find something better to do they decide to postpone me? Or maybe there is something wrong with me. Unfortunately I don’t know what, because I was finally starting to get used to and like what I’ve become, with my good and horrific sides.Maybe I’ve learned to stop the pain.??So…..I am asking now….is there something wrong with me? Yup, there is something wrong with me. I don’t expect or demand or even want to be the center of their universe, but I wish they wouldn’t hurt me. I let them hurt me, I know.My friend, please, don’t be angry with what I said about you, don’t be angry with me, I just needed to let it all out. I will and I try to change my attitude. When I don’t want to do something I say I don’t want to. I know that plans change, but I am a fan of sticking to plans that we make. When I say something and plan to do something I try and like to stick to that plan. I am so stupid right now for saying this.

I used to tell my other friend that i don't know how to say 'NO'. When people asked for my help, i say 'YES' even i dunwan to. too many times...i have a fren, he never attend to the class for the whole sem and i'm the one who needa help him to sign the attendence. Evryday he'll send me a message like 'hey sign for me pls, i overslept', 'hey can u sign for me,i havent slept for the whole nite', 'hey can u sign for me, i'm nt felling well', 'hey can u sign for me , i got no transport to go to campus..",blagh blagh blagh....he has so much excuses jz to not attend the class, i used to it so one day, i reply him 'nonid to msg me d,i'll sign for u for all the classes,dun worry...haha"

when i sent the message,i still can put a smiley there which i reluctant to put. i really dunno how to reject him. when come to the assignment, he started to call me for hundred time a day for the solution. i told him i havent finished then he asked me to call him when i done. i was wondering y dun he try to do himself first. so i turn off my phone. when i done,he said he wan a copy frm my answer. But the problem was how to pass to him my answer. so he ask me to make a copy n bring to him. i was like WTF!!!!!! he is the one who asked for my help and i needa do all this things too. i'm staying in b.baru n he stay in b.beruang , needa drive to his house n pass it to him. it's nt the first time. when exams coming,he'll ask me for all the tutorials answer coz he never attend to the class, so the same thing, i'll make extra copy or him,including all thick thick notes. i spend my time n money to do all the copies but he din pay me back. I dunno how to ask money frm him i n dunno how to say NO!

i felt like i'm so useless! even i spent my time go to his house to study together coz he said he dun understand the notes. ended up i'm the one who teachs him for whole day n i got no chance to study. I dunno y lah...it's like i'm the one who owe him. I HATE THIS KINDA FEELING!